It happens with the increasing frequency of squidcakes for supper: a musical novitiate, keen to make his noises heard in an environment outside her own eustachian tubes, places his trust in the hands of an unscrupulous agent, who promptly takes her to the rights 'n royalty cleaners. By sidereal extrapolation, the occurrences are now up to 18 per hour, every hour. And what hurts the music industry now will in due time jeopardize the K&D Empire -- reason enough to mosey into action by siccing the K&D Research Junta on the problem. And although that was back in 1997, we at last have a solution in the form of a fully downloadable boilerplate suitable-for-framing contract. So to all you composers out there trying to break into the world of music without breaking your own bank in the process, the following fine print may be of service to you.

The party of the first part, hereafter referred to as the party of the first part, unless referred to in a jointly agreed-to term to be determined later or already determined by an impartial third party, hereafter referred to as the party of the other part, hereby enters into written and/or verbal discourse with the party of the second part, hereafter referred to as the party of the second part inclusive, unless conditions out of the control of the party of the first, second, or other parts warrant substantive change, not to be confused with substandard change, which the pockets of the party of the composer part seem to be filled with nowadays, but that's another story, i.e. the party of the next part, the contents of which -- i.e. the party, not the pocket -- are now to be revealed, unless otherwise noted in writing and notarized previous to this discourse, hereafter known as Exhibit A, or the party of the fifth part, regarding the party of the first part's Reminder, the party of the third part, hereafter referred to as the party of the third part, which involves certain acts and/or obligations on the part of the party of the first and second parts previously named exceptis excipiendis, ex hypothesi, ex necessitate re and pro mambo. Now let it be further resolved, solvitur ambulando suo jure, subsequent to the parties hereinbefore noted, that the party of the first part, i.e. the party of the first part, having been already referred to as same, is hereby presenting said party of the third part to the party of the second part, secundum artem ignotum per ignotius.

WHEREAS, everything herebefore postulated shall in theory be construed to be truthful.

THEN THEREFORE the party of the second part, still referred to as the party of the second part, shall endeavor to come into agreement with or unto or because of the party of the first part, quite content to be referred to as the party of the first part, solely due to the good auspices of the party of the third part, which is still but may not be for much longer referred to as the party of the third part, not to be confused with any other parts pluperfect or otherwise, and let this therefore be the end to this party of the third part and any other party or part of party or its nearest relative, inclusive.

ALSO THEREFORE let the party of the third part be made manifest ipso jure pro mambo, and let ten people eat of the sea, for another party shall prevail and lucent water will again cover the lands and the sheep will be reduced to stock; and lo from a distant urban area with substandard macadam shall there come a prophet bearing hairpieces, and these hairpieces shall thus be distributed to the common men and women who launder the pants of judges, and therefore shall they be blessed with naphtha and kept clear of burrowing rodents, for the son of Naphtha, named Jedd (i.e. the party of the sixth part), shall one day look down and bestow halvah on all who have not let his name be ... well, I forget, but at this point it mattereth not. Selah.

HERESO sworn to, and at, on such and such day in such and such month of such and such year, and sayeth not the mumbles on the tongues of rabid disbelievers from this day forth, unless -- and here's that pro mambo part again -- those same ten people eat of the sea.

LIKEWISE HERESO signed, the party of such and such and/or any other part.

There. That should help you feel a bit more secure in any future dealings with potentially venal music intermediaries. And speaking of venal music, here now comes the 257th episode of Kalvos & Damian's New Music Bazaar, including but not limited to, the Kalvos of the first part.